


I Keep A Record Of The Wreckage of My Life

by KimchiAndPasta



Series: A Song Of Fire And Ice [33]
Category: Frostiron - Fandom, Stucky - Fandom
Genre: Assault, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, But it feels like one right now, Denial, Fighting, Grief, Guilt, Loki acts like a battered wife, Loki does not take Tony's reaction well, Loki isn't in an abusive relationship, M/M, Mentions of Abortion, Mentions of PTSD, Pregnancy, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark Friendship, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Steve knows the feeling, Thor Is Also An Angry Bro, Thor Is a Good Bro, Tony does not take it well, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-07 17:52:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19474297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimchiAndPasta/pseuds/KimchiAndPasta
Summary: Loki tells Tony and Tony does not take it well.





	1. I Didn't Mean It

Loki paced back and forth. He didn't know how he was going to tell Tony. It was easier with Sigrid. Back then, everything was good. Safe. He hears Tony come in and falls onto the couch. Loki took a deep breath. Tony had to know.

"Anthony." Loki sounded like a mouse.

"Yes, baby?" Tony looked at him.

Baby. Love. Loke. Sweetheart. Lolo. Dear.

Loki missed Tony.

"Loki, are you okay?" Tony rose from the couch.

Oh no, Loki thought. Tony is always on edge now. He doesn't touch Loki. The God has noticed. God. Loki hates himself. He's ruining everything again.

"I'm pregnant." It comes out as a sob.

Tony freezes. No, he thinks. He can't do it again. He can't let Loki go through it again. They can't put Sigrid through all of this again. Loki was getting better. Sigrid was back with them. They were almost a family again. Almost. Tony rubbed his hands against his face. He should have never gave in to Loki that night. He knew better. Loki hadn't begged for a baby in a while but god, they didn't need a baby. Not right now. Loki recently was almost raped by Tony. Tony is still drinking heavily.

"Anthony, say something." Loki begged.

"No." Tony gasped. "We can't have a baby!"

"It'll be okay."

"Loki, it won't be okay! I mean I almost raped you! I'm a hardcore alcoholic. I'm not even hiding it anymore. If Sigrid sees, she sees. And even if all these problems weren't here, I don't think I can."

"It won't be like Magni."

"Loki, you don't know that! I don't want you to go through it again. I just can't stand to see you hurt like that again."

"You think I don't think about that. Of course I do but I'm working through it too. I won't say I'm a good mother but I'm doing good enough. You can rest, Anthony. I got us."

Tony couldn't breathe. He grabbed his head. It's not okay. That's what he kept telling himself. It's not okay. What if Loki loses the baby again? What if Tony can't stop the drinking? What if he hits Sigrid or Loki when he's growing their second child? What if...

"Anthony." Loki reached out for Tony.

"Get rid of it!" Tony screamed.

Loki pulled back. His emerald eyes wide with heartbreak.

"Anthony!" Loki sobbed.

"Loki.." Tony realized what he had said. "Oh my god, Loki. I didn't mean it. I love you so much."

Tony tried to reach for Loki's hand but Loki turned his back and walked out, leaving Tony alone to hollow in what he had just done.


	2. I'm Colder Than This Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki breaks down and tells Thor everything.

Loki spent so long crying that he couldn't do it anymore. But this was different. He wasn't angry. He wasn't sad. He was in...disbelief. He knows Tony loves him but right now, he doesn't feel like it. He needed to talk to someone. Just anyone.

"Brother, are you alright?" Thor suddenly appeared.

"No." Loki broke down. "Gods, no."

"What happened?"

"I told him."

"How did he take it?"

"Bad. Very bad."

Thor comforted Loki as he broke down. Loki held his stomach as Thor rubbed his back.

"I know he loves me but at that moment, I felt he didn't." Loki sobbed.

"What moment?" Thor asked.

"He told me to get rid of it."

Thor went still.

"He said he didn't mean it but god, I felt like he didn't love me anymore." Loki continued. "He even told me he loves me so much but lately, I feel like we're over."

"Leave then." Thor echoed Bruce's words.

"I can't. I love him. We have a child together. I just can't."

"You mean you won't."

"He needs me."

"Loki, Sigrid needs you. But more importantly, you need someone right now. Let me help you, brother. Just like you've helped me."

Then it happened.

"Tony almost raped me. Then I had sex with him that same day." Loki blurted out.

"WHAT?" Thor was enraged.

"He wasn't drunk. He was hungover, angry and jealous. I was trying to make him feel better. Then I found out I was with child."

Thor was speechless. He didn't pull away from Loki but he was in shock.

"He's starting to slip too. He won't come near me now. Sigrid is smart too. She's starting to notice so I thought maybe sending her to Asgard to visit Frigga and Odin would help her. And sending Jane with her was a good idea." Loki began to ramble. "I do want another child with Tony but not like this. Especially after his outburst. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

Thor shook his head. He could not believe what Loki was saying. That wasn't his brother. This wasn't Loki.

"Loki, listen to yourself. This isn't right. It hasn't been right for a long time." Thor growled, seething with rage.

"We were getting better. We really were. Sometimes he drank but he was Sigrid's father again. And all she ever wants is to be with him." Loki wasn't really talking to Thor anymore.

"Loki, just stop. None of this is on you. Don't go making excuses for Tony. Don't ruin Sigrid's life by ruining yourself."

"I'm not."

"You gave me the strength to be able to break. You have been helping me through Jane's cancer. But you're ruining Sigrid because you're letting yourself be destroyed again. But it's worse this time because Tony is breaking you. Because you're pretending it all doesn't matter. Just because he's sorry and tells you he loves you doesn't mean it won't happen again. I mean Loki, look at the damn drinking. It's a horror show."

"Maybe I can fix him. I am the one who broke him in the first place."

"Because why? You got depressed? Or because Magni was lost? It happens. It's life. I will admit he did good when you fell into the depression but he was no better. He still isn't any better because you did something. Yet you're letting him hurt you."

"I love him. And he loves me."

"I know but don't let him hurt you too. And don't let him hurt Sigrid."

"He would never. He loves her."

"He was supposed to never hurt you either and look what happened."

"What am I to do?"

"We'll figure it out afterwards."

"What do you mean?"


	3. I Can't Find you In The Body Sleeping Next To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor loses it.

"What did I do?" Tony groaned at himself.

"What happened, Tony?" Steve pushed.

"I didn't mean it. I swear to god, I didn't mean it."

"What did you do?"

"Loki is pregnant."

Steve grind his teeth. He gave Tony his space to vent. But he knew as well as anyone else that this was bad timing. Especially given the circumstance.

"But?" Steve pushed again.

"I love Loki. I do. I'd do anything for him." Tony rambled on.

"Tony. What happened?"

"I thought of Magni. I thought of the pain Loki went through. I thought of Sigrid."

"Tony, it's okay. Breathe."

"No, it's not! Steve, I told him to get rid of it!"

Steve didn't say anything. Before Tony could think another thought, a loud sound interrupted them and a fist flashed before Tony's eyes.

"Thor, stop!" Loki screamed, chasing after his brother.

"Thor!" Steve roared. "Back down!"

Thor could only see red. He was so angry. He gripped one hand around Tony's throat and repeatedly punched Tony with his other fist. He didn't hear Loki's screaming. He ignored Steve's commands. All he could see was the red of Tony's blood as he continued the assault. This was his friend. Someone he trusted. The father of his beloved niece. The lover of his brother. A fellow Avenger. Iron Man. But that's not who Thor saw in this moment. All he saw was an alcoholic rapist who was abusing his younger brother. Tony couldn't breathe but he wouldn't protect himself. Loki held his stomach as he begged Thor to stop.

"You're killing him!" Loki sobbed. "Brother, stop!"

Steve grabbed Thor's fist and punched Thor across the jaw as hard as he possibly could and forced him off Tony. Steve held Thor against the wall as Loki ran to Tony. His body shook. Tony wasn't breathing.


	4. I'm Begging you To Keep On Haunting Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gives Loki advice.

"What in the hell happened?" Bruce was in shock.

"It's a long story, Bruce." Steve was jilted. "Just help Tony right now."

"Give me my space and let me work."

"Keep us updated."

" I will."

+

"Loki, I'm sorry." Thor begged for forgiveness. "I just lost it."

"Not right now." Loki's voice cracked. "Just give me time."

"I won't forgive myself if Tony dies."

"And I won't blame you."

+

"Mind if I sit?" Steve asked.

"If you want." Loki nodded.

Steve and Loki sat in silence for a while. Thor had gone off to think. Loki wasn't angry but he couldn't deal with Thor at the moment. He was thankful Steve was able to stop Thor. Of course, it'd be him. He is a super soldier.

"When Buck fell from the train, I drank so much." Steve spoke. "Of course, I couldn't get drunk because of the serum but it was all I could think to do. After coming out of the ice, i had to learn to adapt and move on. I did. Nat tried to set me up here and there but there was no one like Bucky to me. Then he was alive again but he wasn't Bucky anymore. God, that was hard. I obsessed over getting him back and trying to get him to remember. So I let him beat me near to death in hopes something would get triggered. Eventually, something did trigger but it's been a struggle since then. I was able to bring him back but it's hard. The nightmares. The distance. The fear. I love Bucky and he loves me but we're broken. That doesn't mean we hurt each other though. Having sex again after all those decades was really hard. Bucky just wouldn't touch me. Especially after he nearly beat me to death. The first time we had sex again, we had to stop. He imagined me as skinny again. Back when I was just a sickly thing. He imagined himself strangling the skinny me. He didn't sleep that night. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights."

"I'm sorry." Loki whispered.

"Tony told me what happened and all I can tell you, Loki, is that it's never going to be easy. It's never going to be black and white. It's still hard sometimes. He'll be the dominant one but he'll make sure it doesn't look like I'm pinned down. Even holding hands during sex is a big no for him. Because he thinks of his time during Hydra. When we sleep, he makes sure he's not pressing too hard against me because he's afraid I'll have an asthma attack but he always makes sure his head is near my heart so he can listen for my heartbeat."

"How did you do it?"

"It was hard. I mean really hard. I'm Captain America and I can survive buildings falling on me or getting shot but I can't survive Bucky's cries. Believe me, it's still so damn hard. But Sam was a big help. He may not know what it's like to be in our shoes but he knows loss. Loki, you gotta get help too. I'm helping Tony but you need it just as much. I know you're going through your own therapy but give Sam a chance."

Loki thought to himself. He didn't want to leave Tony. He couldn't even imagine that. He didn't want to hate Thor. And he didn't want to ruin Sigrid again. He was getting better but he feels himself going back into that dark hole. He didn't want that the most.

"Have you ever felt like you should leave but you don't want to?" Loki asked.

"Believe it or not, I used to ask my Ma why she never left my old man." Steve nodded. "He was mean and beat on my Ma but she never stayed down. There was a moment in time where I wanted to run away from Bucky. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have my Ma to tell me it was okay. But I remembered her in my worst moments. She always told me to never stay down. She taught me that there wasn't a damn thing out there that could keep us down. After all, I literally can do this all day. I have a picture of my Ma and I would look at it when it got too hard with Bucky."

"Did it ever get better?"

"It's always going to be hard. I won't lie about it. But it does get better. The thing is you both need to get better too. For a while, Buck and I fought. He always destroyed himself, you know? And I always made excuses for him. There was a time where he told me to hurt him because he deserved it but how do you do that? I mean I love him and he wants me to hurt him? He had to learn to rediscover himself and I had to learn along with him. That's what you need, Loki. Rediscover yourself. Let Tony figure himself out and fix his problems because he knows them better than anyone else. He made the first step. But you're destroying yourself. Don't do it. But at the same time, you need to figure it out yourself because the rape is something I never experienced. Bucky was tortured by Hydra and I don't know how to fix that but Bucky learned to figure it out. I was just there for him when he needed me most even if he didn't want to touch me. Before you try to "fix" Tony, you need to figure yourself out. If you're not going to do it for you, don't do it for Tony. Do it for Sigrid."

Loki bit his lip. He had been in denial for so long that he became a victim. He was never a victim. Tony was never an abuser. They were just two broken souls making deathly awful choices. Tony admitted his problems while Loki drowned in his denial. Before Loki could say another thing, Bruce cleared his throat, making the two look up.

"Well?" Loki stood up.

"He's stable but he's heavily sedated." Bruce confirmed.

"Will he be alright?" Steve asked.

"He's not gonna die, I can tell you that but he's going to be in pain for while." Bruce nodded.

"Let me see him." Loki begged.

"Like I said, he's sedated right now and he's going to be on a lot of drugs for a while. Give him time. Let him sleep." Bruce urged.

"Okay." Loki said in a soft, broken voice.

"In the meanwhile, go talk to Sam." Steve suggested.

"Alright. Let me know when he wakes up." Loki sighed, defeated.

"I will." Bruce smiled.

Steve convinced Loki to go home first and rest. Loki didn't want to but agreed. It's been a long day.

"Where are you going?" Bruce asked.

"I'm going to talk to Thor." Steve said, turning the other direction.

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY. DON'T FORGET TO PRAISE THE ASS OF AMERICA TODAY.


End file.
